Overcoming the Odds

My Personal Story Many of you know me, but you do not know me personally or my daily and lifelong struggles. In order for you to see where I am and how far I have come you will need some background on where I was and what a dark pit I had become and lived deep down in. I will not go into great detail, maybe I will save all of that for the book I am working on, but I will give you enough back drop that you can get a vivid picture. I grew up in a home with a mother that was schizophrenic, suffered from Dissociative Identity Disorder, Severe Depression, and Bipolar Disorder. My father while not a mean alcoholic was an alcoholic, and had issues holding a job. He was a good man, but that led to my parents' divorce along with my mother's erratic behaviors. As a child I was physically, sexually and mentally abused starting at the age of five. Like most children of abuse, I turned to drugs and alcohol at a very early age, I developed a severe eating disorder and was anorexic and bulimic. I also looked for the love I longed for in all the wrong places. I thought I was not good enough for anyone, pretty enough, thin enough, and if I was just perfect for whomever I was with then I could be loved. I was in several abusive relationships, and even in and out of battered women's shelters and underground moving constantly at one time. I was a mess mentally and emotionally and angry at the world and hated who I was and what I saw as what I was. I had no voice for myself other than to tear myself down, criticize, demean, beat myself, and constantly push for an outward appearance of perfection. I was lost and I was in trouble. I have gone to counseling time and time again, and nothing seemed to work. I have conquered the drugs and alcohol. I will always be an addict in recovery, but I am no longer and active addict. I am clean, and very proud of that. I still struggle with my eating disorder, and that to will always be a lifetime battle. I will never be free of the thought of the behaviors, but I can control them and actively correct them before I act upon then. Being conscious of one's triggers in all of the above are a must. Depression is a battle I have always felt I lose at times, but the past two years I have been on a journey. I really have focused on negative self-talk, and changing how I think and view things. I know I am a strong and beautiful woman that has overcome many things that destroy people for a lifetime, and while I was destroyed for so long. These events, traumas, and addictions no longer control me. I try to use the things that I have learned to help others. Despite the fact I have changed so much I still battle depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have an autoimmune disease and battle chronic pain as well. I have been on a mission the past 8 -12 months to try and find natural ways to treat my body. I use essential oils daily, and really try to only clean eat, and yes, I cheat and slip up, but I refuse to beat myself up for it. I exercise as much as I can, surround myself with positive affirmations, positive self-talk, I listen to healing theta waves when I sleep, and relaxation Beta waves when I sleep. I mediate and take a minimum of 15 mins a day just for me. I do yoga, and I LOVE REIKI! I have no doubt of the power of the mind and meta-physical world. I have also the past 4 months been using CBD oil, and this has made the BIGGEST impact on my mood, depression, and anxiety. I recently posted a blog post about having lost myself, and not knowing who I was because I have lived my entire life being who everyone wanted or needed. I literally had no clue what I wanted, what I liked, or even how I felt. I was dead inside void of feeling and emotion, closed off, and seized up. It was exhausting putting on the outward projection every day. Depression had completely consumed me. I did not care if I got up, bathed, ate, drank water, worked or not. I did not care what anyone around me was going through I only cared that I was miserable and unhappy and could not pull myself up and out. I also could not talk about it. I could only replay the loses over the past years, but also the successes. I think that is what kept me going I knew I could survive this and find me. Laugh again, not fake laugh, but real belly laugh. I knew I could be happy, and I knew I could push the fog away, climb from the pit I was in, and stand in the sun. So, I looked, I searched, I tried one thing and another, and then I found CBD oil. I knew from the past I had little to no Lupus symptoms the years I smoked marijuana. I just never wanted to be dependent upon anything illegal again. I also knew that marijuana helped me focus. So, it only made sense after researching for several weeks what exactly CBD oil was and did to try it. I started with the CBD oil vape and AM and PM sprays and CBD capsules (I am bad with pills. I have a huge mental block with them after being an addict and dependent for so long on pain pills and other pills. I refuse to take about anything unless I am in excruciating pain or deathly in need. Needless to say, these are still in a bottle despite I believe they work. This is just not the form I need to use). I have religiously been using CBD drops twice a day, and still the AM and PM spray along with a homemade salve for pain for 1 month now, and the difference inside of me is night and day. I have in the past week started laughing again. I mean a real deep laugh that others notice. Slowly, I can see I am thinking in stressful situations instead of reacting. I am able to sleep 6 to 8 hours at a time. I am more aware of my feelings and not afraid to express them. I do not feel in a fog or pit, or depressed any longer and my pain is greatly diminished. The salve takes care of what is left. I have energy, and just yesterday my friend Natalie responded she had not seen me so excited about anything in such a long time. I am finding me. I know who I am. I am a survivor, an overcomer, a happy go lucky, caring and loving person with a heart bigger than Texas. I am the person that wants to spare people the endless years in that dark place that only those that live or have been there can relate to. I want to give people the tools, information and a way to obtain what they need. I want to work on programs to make sure these things can be made available for those that do not have the resources available. I want to make quality all-natural products using the products in order to help others. I want to live, and grow, and be the light in someone's tunnel. I have a 3-year plan now for getting my dream business off the ground. I will keep a few of my direct sales I am sure, because I believe in and enjoy the products myself so much. It is my time to shine. I am already a success, and after a lifetime of being a mess it feels so good to be able to see, say, believe, and feel that. No one deserves to walk through the darkness alone. CBD oil has changed my life, and I know it can change so many more. If you ever need to talk, and feel you cannot talk to anyone. Please let me be my someone. If I had not projected for so long to be someone and be feeling things I was not. I would have been so much more aware of what I needed, and maybe someone could have helped me sooner. I am a good listener. I have been down many roads and winding paths that so many people are not even aware of. The only way to bring about change is to expose your scars, share your story and let others know that they too can do it, there is a way, a path, and you can be their light.

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