Finding Me

One day I woke up and realized I had no clue who I was. It was not amnesia or anything like that. I just very suddenly or maybe it was gradual looking back my entire life my identity had been for everyone in my life. The kids are now grown, and having become a parent at 16 I had spent over 3/4 of my life as a parent. I was also very good at becoming whomever the person I was dating or married to or committed to at the time wanted.

I remember as a child liking things. I loved riding my bike, horses, learning and reading, looking at the stars, swimming, sports,and so much more. Now, now I have no idea what I like. I just know that it has left an empty void inside of myself that I cannot fill, nor can I truly seem to be happy for long because of it. Thus I have embarked on a journey after several years of poor health, medications that do not work, and a struggle inside of myself that I may have yet to figure out what it is.

The road to finding yourself is not exactly spelled out in a book or a tutorial. I mean we should all know who we are, but the more I see people floundering through life. The more I wonder how many of us truly are ourselves or hidden faces behind many masks and layers deeply hidden within. Who am I? The question lingers in the back of my mind on a daily basis.

Yes, I am a mother, a grandmother, an entrepreneur, a partner, a co worker, a friend, and many many more things, but these are not the core of what I mean. What do I enjoy? What do I like? What are my beliefs and values? What do I do now that my children are grown? I am not sure really how to explain it in words. Feelings can be tricky that way when translating things into words often context and what you feel cannot be put into a sentence at least one that is not misconstrued.

Picture being in a room and you look around at the decor, and everything you see is what someone else likes or added or marked upon. Now visualize that room is actually your body. You were the crazy Nascar fan for 6 years for a guy you adored that broke your heart, but for some reason you still watch Nascar despite you do not really like or follow it. You traveled and ate, slept and watched Rodeo because your ex husband loved it and missed his chance to be in them. You eat certain foods because they were someone else's favorite, or you still cook and eat where everyone else prefers because you have no clue what you want or what you truly like. You are under layers of walls put up from a life filled with one traumatic event after another. Events you say you dealt with, but you more likely just figure if you do not think about them you are over them. You can never say no, and you have more business adventures going on to help friends than you can keep up with. You are lost deep inside the many layers and masks to please everyone else and make everyone else happy and somewhere deep in that dark abyss your self has started trying to climb herself out. The question is how. The journey is now, and I will be detailing that journey in each phase and step of the way. It is a journey to find self amongst the masks and layers where I am hidden.

I know the question that is on everyone's tongue just waiting to roll off like a ball bouncing down a two mile hill. How do you find yourself, and how do you not know who you are? My starting point was admitting to myself that I was not happy and really searching for why. I have a good guy, and fairly good life. I have the usual struggles with finances etc, but I still am not what I would say is a happy person. Oh, I smile and laugh and cut up. To look at me and to know me and to be reading this many of you are most likely very surprised. The truth is I have spent so much time trying to please people, help people, serve people, pay a penance for events that were not my fault, and caring about what everyone thinks of me it has almost completely destroyed me.

So, step one was truly saying hey you need to love you, and you need to forgive you, and then you need to let it go. That last part that is the hardest of all. I mean like this stuff sticks like it has gorilla glue attached to it and weighs more than the Titanic. Speaking of Titanic I was a sinking ship, or more like sunk.

Step two realizing that if you do not take care of your entire self you will never be truly healthy. All the good dieting and lifestyle changes in the world will not help you be healthy or lose weight if you stress and worry constantly. If you do not find an outlet for all the things building and dwelling inside of you. That will kill you quicker than eating a Big Mac 3 meals a.day. HUH YUCK. So, whether you believe in God or Buddah or the Cookie Monster you truly need something to believe in, something or someone to go to. Prayer/Meditation is really imperative for your spirit. It is a way to just clear and reset yourself. Be still, be quiet, and let it out. The body and mind are marvelous things and what they can do even we cannot comprehend with all the technology we have. Energy is all around us and in us. Positive and negative that is scientifically proven. You have to have a release for the negative things in life and for the build up. Just like a ship at sea has to be cleaned of the build up of barnacles and residue to sail properly so must your body. I am learning this with Reiki, meditation, exercise, aromatherapy, and theta waves and since this about finding me I will talk about what helps me.

I have tried every supplement and medication known to man, and none have truly worked. So, I thought maybe there is something to those ancient practices and started trying them, and they help, but I will tell you this no ONE THING will cure anything. My journey is far from over, and now that the back drop has been set future posts can focus on the journey and events. Finding me will not happen over night. I did not lose who I was over night, and expecting this to be easy is just well insane to say the least. I will try things and fail, and try things that succeed, but then what is a journey but a long winding road into the unknown. For one to grow and change one must fail, fall, and get back up. For without opposition and failure one cannot change. Without a journey through the past one cannot strip away the layers and masks that have become a defense and survival. The key is to get back up, move forward, and not stay stuck in that past or in that layer wearing that mask.

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